The Artist's Way on Dreamwidth

I was feeling that old yearning today for early 00's BJD culture, defined by a simpler, sparser marketplace and a dearth of networks.

Related to this, but not exactly the same thing, are two other yearnings. These two yearnings are for things that I feel like have revived or reinvented themselves after my years for pining for them, and seeing the new communities hurts my heart, because it isn't what I took from those things, it isn't what I want from those things... and I feel more at sea and confused than I would if these two things had not been reinvented or revived on the Internet.

So... I hope you will hear me out. I want to be fair and balanced in my assessment, not criticize the creative visions of others. Also, if you have a thought about this at all, I would be interested to hear about it, because I go around and around about it in my mind. If it keeps haunting me, I will probably have to take it to Reddit... and I don't know how that will turn out.

Well, early 00's BJD culture cannot, I think, ever be revived. It has gone on and on uninterrupted for over two decades now. Even the end of Den of Angels will not significantly impact it, because the culture has been largely social media dependent for so many years. 

If someone were to ask me what I wanted with my BJD hobby, participation, and activities, I would have a very clear and detailed response. Then, if they were to follow up, asking why I had not really done those things for the majority of those twenty years... this queasy feeling at the pit of my stomach, that I first got after I looked at Ophelia and Shelley 20+ years ago and felt the stillness and waiting in the room... that fear of creating... that's the answer. In short, I don't need anyone else to do anything differently in order for me to do my BJD hobby the way I want to. I need to find the courage to do it. I think that's the first time I've admitted that in this journal, too, and I've had this journal for 8, nearly 9 years now. So maybe this is a new beginning.

Anyway, the other two yearnings are gothic subculture and early 00's personal home page building. 

I'll start with the web building. Okay. I know there has been a massive revitalization of early 00's web design. There is Neocities, and there are even other sites like that that I've seen. It's quite big. These sites are so intrinsically different than web sites from the early 00's that it hurts me deeply. They are different in terms of design as well as content. So different that if I were to make a site the way I thought it should be made... which I don't even know if I can because there's no discourse to be a part of... I would look like an old fart on Neocities. 

These nostalgia-driven sites are so busy, so multi-layered, so multifaceted, deeply embedded in discourses and ways of being that really did not exist in a pre-smartphone world. It really struck me when I looked back at sites I found on places like Angelfire and Tripod that haven't been edited since they were left there by a teen 25-30 years ago, and everything about the sites including layout, language, images, etc. spoke so painfully as hallmarks of my generation, Generation X, that it really cut me to the quick to think of sites now, and how they are, in every way, a hallmark of a generation (Generation Z) that is so very, very different from my generation. Sorry, I know I'm leaving the millennials out, and most of my contacts here are millennials. Honestly, in ten years, ya'll might see and recognize something like what I am seeing now, a new generation sort of riffing off your identity, and be rather cut to the quick by it, too. You don't really know until you see it. 

Sometimes, I feel yearning for my old homepages, and to make new ones, like I did. But I don't know what to do with that yearning. Because I don't want to enter the discourse of Neocities or similar sites. The webrings and things I belonged to... were really different, and those kinds of themes and aesthetics are not around now.

The last yearning is about gothic subculture, and this is more of a full-on complaint combined with actionable material on my part.

Gothic subculture was one of the first things I discovered on the Internet. I was drawn to it like it was my true north. Not really in the sense of dressing the part, though. Gothic literature (old literature), and eventually gothic rock music, romantic gothic aesthetics, deep interests in compassion for animals, social and environmental justice, things like that were all things I associated with gothic subculture. It truly seemed to me, from about the year 2000 and for the next 12 years or so, and I could be completely wrong, that you could in fact totally "be a goth" recognizable to others with a similar mindset without ever needing to dress more flamboyantly than a band T-shirt, or something somber and black and/or romantic, or something grungy. You didn't need to know anything about hair or makeup. You just needed to have the interests, the feelings, the discourse, the gothic sympathies, as it were.

Well, what "gothic subculture" looks to me now is this: very, very intense makeup that very often includes whitefacing and blacking out the neck, a kind of almost cookie cutter eyeliner and contouring look as well, extreme clothing with nails sticking out, bondage straps, lots of skin showing... and... most importantly, be some kind of social media influencer. It's like... there's no music I've detected in it, no love for old literature or paintings, no living your authentic grungy life... it's very aesthetic, and it hurts me to see the "influencers" and feel like there's nothing behind them. 

There has always been something a little contentious about calling anything or anyone "goth," especially yourself, and it could be that the kind of people I'm thinking of have just sort of ducked out... like they must have done in the BJD scene, now doing... who knows what. Connected to their close friends, but not to any kind of hub like there once was. I don't know if I'm making any sense...

But... ha ha... I'm out of time and have to make some hummus now, so this is it for now. 

For a while, I was thinking the 16" fashion doll world was gone with the closure of Tonner Dolls, and it might have been. No more Ellowyne Wilde or Evangeline Ghastly, which seemed to inspire so much of the craft market. No more Sybarites. No more Fashion Doll Quarterly or Haute Doll. Phew, the 2010's were such a time.

I still had some dreams left over from the 2010's and asked my husband for Tonner Nu Mood Breathless for my birthday a couple of years ago. I have had a number of Tonner dolls over the years, but ended up selling them all. Nu Mood Breathless is the one that really fits with my aesthetic. 

Finding accounts of interest on Instagram is harder than ever, but I have managed to find a few 16" doll kindred spirits lately. And D.A.E. Originals even followed me back, OMG.

I found out that Robert Tonner is still designing, but his works are now sold through the Virtual Doll Convention website. Right now, he has a gorgeous doll named Lacie Churchill, who is so tempting, and is probably going to go for twice as much on the secondhand market... like Nu Mood Breathless did... but I've honestly got too many dolls. 

A couple of years ago, I attended a local doll market, which was a lot of fun. I splurged on a D.A.E. Originals Vivian the Miniquin La Vie en Rose. She even has the artist's signature on her back, but it actually looks like he signed her -- not just a print or whatever -- which makes her even more special. I named her Shalott because she reminded me of Emilie Autumn. 

Recently, I posted a couple of things on Instagram, a reel of Shalott and some photos of Rose, my Nu Mood Breathless. I have been getting zero interaction with my posts since I came back to Instagram after a year, so I followed some Internet advice and made a reel, LOL. I really feel like I'm playing the game now. I hate it so much. Damn Meta. I hope so much I can find a non-AI, non-algorithm-game social media site where doll people participate. But for now, it's Instagram for me. 

My D.A.E. doll is from 2007, but D.A.E. looks like they have resurrected their dolls. They are now resin and articulated...pricey, but I'm excited because they are making outfits, which is really what I need. 

Also, even R&D is making a comeback. They released a 16" outfit, but didn't even mention their Angels in describing who it fits. Makes me sad. I love my Angel dolls, and the Angels and Mensajero are so rare. The early Angels, my favorite, are so delicate, chip easily, lose their face paint, with no easy way to fix them, but there is just something about them. I thought about emailing and asking R&D if their outfit fits the Angels, but I'm afraid they will say something like, ew, throw those dolls in the trash. Am I the only one on the planet who perceives their ethereal beauty through the flaws?

Maybe I will post my Angels and Mensajero on Instagram and see if the creators will interact through that platform... maybe they will see someone loves the Angels.

Lastly, there's Gene. Gene's outfits are stunning, cost about $30, rather than the $150-$200 that current 16" doll outfits cost, but the catch is... they only fit Gene. And Google AI will tell you they fit Tonner and others, but they absolutely do not. Gene is smaller than all those other dolls. So, after buying all these gorgeous Gene outfits, with failure after failure... I bought a Gene, beautiful, articulated, not yellowed, $50, but with crushed eyelashes I'm hoping I can coax back up. I associate Gene as the first really popular 16" fashion doll, but my knowledge could be off. In any case, now I have another doll coming... ugh... but I'm so excited there still a community, at least for these 16" fashion dolls.